In a dark and hazy room, peering into a crystal ball, the mystic delivers grave news to Lorraine: “There's no easy way to tell you this, so I'll just be blunt. Prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a tragic, violent and horrible death this year.”
Visibly shaken, Lorraine stares at the woman's lined face, then at the single flickering candle, then down at her hands. She takes a few deep breaths to compose herself and to stop her mind racing. She simply has to know.
She meets the fortune teller's gaze, steadies her voice and asks: “Will I be acquitted?”
Many people are worrying about the effects of genetically modified crops.
“There is no proof of any adverse effects”, said one carrot.
From now on I'm only going to buy that fancy water with healthy additives. Like the one they serve here at Rydges. It's got hops, yeast and malted barley in it.
I burnt 600 calories last night.
Left my pizza in the oven for too long.
My mate had one of his testicles removed after finding a lump.
That's how serious he is about mashed potato.
Is it just me, or are there any other anagrams of em?
A petrol station owner in Dublin was trying to increase his sales. So, he put up a sign that read, 'Free Sex with Fill-Up.'
Soon Paddy pulled in, filled his tank and asked for his free sex. The owner told him to pick a number from 1 to 10. If he guessed correctly, he would get his free sex. Paddy guessed 8, and the proprietor said, 'You were close. The number was 7. Sorry. No sex this time.'
A week later, Paddy, along with his friend Mick, pulled in for another Fill-up. Again he asked for his free sex. The proprietor again gave him the same story, and asked him to guess the correct number. Paddy guessed 2 this time. The proprietor said, 'Sorry, it was 3. You were close, but no free sex this time.'
As they were driving away, Mick said to Paddy, 'I think that game is rigged and he doesn't really give away free sex.' Paddy replied, 'No it ain't, Mick. It's not rigged at all at all. My wife won twice last week.'
An old man is on his death bed, and wants to be buried with his money. He calls his priest, his doctor and his lawyer to his bedside.
"Here's $30,000 cash to be held by each of you. I trust you to put this in my coffin when I die so I can take all my money with me."
At the funeral, each man puts an envelope in the coffin. Riding away in a limousine, the priest breaks down and confesses, "I only put $20,000 into the envelope because I needed $10,000 to repair the roof of the church."
"Well, since we're confiding in each other,'' the doctor says, ''I only put $10,000 in the envelope because we needed a new X-ray machine for the paediatrics ward at the hospital that cost $20,000."
The lawyer is aghast. "I'm ashamed of both of you," he exclaims. "I want it known that when I put my envelope in that coffin, I enclosed a cheque for the full $30,000."
The winter snowfalls in Scotland were higher than average, and after two weeks the snow was piled four to six metres high. Rescue workers and Red Cross volunteers were out and about with long bamboo poles trying to locate cars under the snow piles to rescue anyone who might be trapped.
One Red Cross laddie pokes his bamboo pole deep into the snow and discovers it has gone down a farmhouse chimney.
He calls out: “Is there anyone doon tharrr?”
A moment later a voice replies: “Yes, who are yoo?”
“I'm from the Red Cross,” the rescuer replies. “Goo awayee,” comes the irritated response, “we gave to you last week!”
Down in the deep, blue sea, right in the heart of the Coral Forest, Dougie the humble crab and Sophia the lobster princess are madly, deeply and passionately in love.
Tragically, one day Princess Sophia scuttles over to Dougie, in tears. "We can't see each other any more," she sobs. "Daddy says that crabs are the lowest class of crustacean and that no daughter of his will marry someone who can only walk sideways."
Dougie is shattered, and scuttles sidewards away into the darkness to drink himself into a filthy state of aquatic oblivion.
That night, the great Lobster Ball takes place, with lobsters coming from far and wide to dance and make merry, but Princess Sophia refuses to join in, choosing instead to sit by her father's side, inconsolable.
Suddenly the doors burst open, and Dougie the crab strides in. The lobsters all stop their dancing; the princess gasps and King Lobster rises from his throne.
Slowly, painstakingly, Dougie the crab makes his way across the floor, and all can see that he is walking, not sideways but forwards, yes forwards, one claw after another!
Step by step he makes his approach towards the throne, until he looks the King Lobster in the eye. A deadly hush falls across the room. Finally, Dougie the crab speaks: "Geez, I'm pished!"
Just got off the phone from a friend, living in northern Denmark. He said that since early this morning it has been snowing - it's nearly waist deep and still falling. The temperature is dropping way below zero and the north wind is increasing to near gale force. His troublesome teenage son has done nothing but look through the kitchen window and stare. If it gets much worse, he may have to let him in.
Too punny for words!
The fattest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.
No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.
Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.
When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.
A vulture carrying two dead raccoons boards an airplane. The stewardess looks at him and says, 'I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger.'
Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.
Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, 'I've lost my electron.' The other says, 'Are you sure?' The first replies, 'Yes, I'm positive.'
Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root-canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.
And, of course, there was the person who posted ten puns on his blog, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make readers laugh. No pun in ten did.
A man and a woman are having a romantic dinner in a restaurant, holding hands between courses as they gaze lovingly at each other. The waitress is just bringing coffee to a nearby table, however, when she notices the man sliding down his chair and under the table. Amazingly, the woman remains still and simply gets on with her dessert.
''Pardon me, ma'am,'' the waitress says, ''but I think your husband just slid under the table.''
''No, he didn't,'' the woman quietly replies. ''He just walked in the door.''
Congratulations to Trish, Rydges Gladstone’s Sales & Marketing Manager, on getting married this week!
And speaking of ‘just married’…
A handsome young man and a beautiful girl meet and it is love at first sight. They immediately get married and go on their honeymoon.
On their wedding night, the bride goes into the bathroom to freshen up. Unfortunately, she has a case of bad breath so severe she has to take a powerful drug to control it.
She is about to take the drug when she decides it best to let her husband in on her secret now. So she returns to bed without taking it.
Her husband then goes into the bathroom to freshen up. In a curious coincidence, he has a problem with foot odour so offensive that it requires a special preparation to keep it under control. He is about to apply the preparation when he decides it best to let his wife know about his problem, because she will find out about it sooner or later anyway. He skips applying the preparation, returns to bed, grabs his wife and gives her a big kiss.
She says, “Honey, there's something I have to tell you.”
“OK,” he says, “but I already know what it is. You ate my socks.”
The boss pulled into the car park in his brand new black BMW and a passing worker couldn't help admiring it.
''Good morning,'' he said, as the boss got out. “Gosh, that’s a nice car.”
''It certainly is,'' the boss said, “and I tell you this young man, if you work really hard, put the effort and the hours in, I’ll have an even better one next year.”
Back in the day, a tough old jackaroo from Longreach counselled his grandson that if he wanted to live a long and fruitful life, the secret was to sprinkle a pinch of gunpowder on his porridge every morning and put a little of it in his damper every night. Hell, you can even put a bit of it in your billy tea!
The grandson did this religiously to the age of 103.
And, sure enough, when he died he left 14 children, 30 grandchildren, 45 great-grandchildren, 25 great-great-grandchildren, and a five-metre hole where the crematorium used to be.
Dudley, now in his prosperous post-middle age, was complacently celebrating his 35th wedding anniversary with Grace, enjoying a cigar and 21-year-old scotch when, turning he observed:
“Grace, we’ve been married 35 years and there’s only one thing I’d like to know and that is have you ever been unfaithful to me?”
“Dudley," said Grace earnestly, “I have to be honest with you. Yes, I’ve been unfaithful on three occasions during those 35 years, but only with good reasons."
A bit taken back, Dudley looked shaken but asked: “I never suspected, can you tell me what you mean by good reasons?”
Grace responded: “The very first time was just after we were married and we were about to lose the family farm after the drought and those bushfires then the cyclone, and the bank manager threatened to foreclose. I went into town that afternoon and you might remember the very next day, he drove out to tell us the loan had been extended and the interest rate shaved."
Magnanimously, Dudley, said “I can forgive you for that. You saved the farm and we’ve never looked back, but what about the second time?"
“A few years later you suffered that massive heart attack and we couldn’t afford the highly expensive surgeon but, after I visited him, he not only performed the operation but did so at no fee."
“I do remember that and it saved my life, so of course I can forgive you for that. But now we’re well off, what about the third occasion?"
“Yes,” Grace smiled with a far-off look in her eye. “We became quite well off, but do you remember when you first ran for president of the Gladstone Golf Club ... and you needed 73 more votes?"
A funny thing happened to me on the way from work to the CBD Bar. I dropped into the Medical Centre. Now, there’s nothing wrong with the plumbing but they say that when blokes turn 50 they should get a certain ‘test’ done. And despite the bad taste joke told by Julia Gillard’s bloke about best to ask for a small Asian female doctor – that is exactly what I got! She looked me up and down as soon as I walked in and said, “Tell me, do you drink?” I replied, “Does a bear poo in the woods?” and she said, “Pardon?” so I said, “Yes.”
She asked how much and I said about six beers. She gave me a look of total shock and said, “That’s far too much.” She would have had a heart attack if I’d told her the truth! She asked how much a beer cost and I guessed at the price of a middy because I only drink schooners. “$4.10.” Then she asks me how long I’ve been drinking. I said that I hadn’t even started today yet. She said, “No, no, how many years?” Now I could do that in my head… 50 minus 17 is 33 years – but she had to go for the calculator…
She started muttering to herself… “Six times 365 times $4.10 is $8979 times 33 years is… Good Lord!” I said, “And what does religion have to do with it?” And she said, “If you spent that much on beer every year, not counting for inflation, you would have spent nearly $300,000! Do you realise that if you had saved that instead of drinking it, you could have paid cash for the latest model Ferrari?!” So I said, “Do you drink?” She replied, “No.” So I asked, “Where’s your Ferrari then?